Learn funny sayings to have a response in any situation. You’ll enjoy reading them because they’re hilarious. Those you tell will love hearing them.
You’ll encounter boring or awkward situations.
Share funny sayings and expressions when you’re at a loss for words or want to lighten the mood.
Humor is an excellent way to relax a group, relieve stress, and make others happy.
So, lighten up and memorize some of the following funny sayings.
Table of Contents
Funny sayings about life
1. I’m not old. I’m retro.
2. I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
3. I’m as cool as a cucumber.
4. An apple a day keeps the doctor away – if you throw it hard enough.
5. Please excuse my naivety. I was born at a very early age.
6. Whatever you do, give it 100%. Unless you’re donating blood.
7. A better name for auto-correct would be auto-assume.
8. Organized people are those who are too lazy to find their stuff.
9. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
10. I’m nobody. Nobody is perfect. Thus, I’m perfect.
11. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
12. It’s okay for you not to like me. Not everyone has good taste.
13. I clean my house almost every day. I almost cleaned it on Monday, on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday, almost on Thursday…
14. The only thing I understand about algebra is I look at my X and wonder Y.
15. I’m cooler than the other side of a pillow.
16. “Stressed” is just “desserts” spelled backward.
17. I’d love to help you out today. Which way did you come in?
18. I like to be an example for others. A bad example.
19. My brain has too many tabs open.
20. Be a cupcake in a world of muffins.
21. When all else fails, lower your standards.
22. I’m not lazy. I’m just very relaxed.
24. I asked God for a bike but learned God doesn’t work that way. So, I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
25. After Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.
26. It’s the best thing since sliced bread.
27. Running around like a headless chicken.
28. Faster than a one-legged man in a butt-kicking competition.
29. I was born at night, but not last night.
30. I tried to be normal once. It was the worst minute of my life.
31. I’m not weird. I’m a limited edition.
32. Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
33. I’m out of my mind. I’ll be back in five minutes.
34. Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
35. I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.
36. I didn’t fall. The floor needed a hug.
37. If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why’s there a light bulb in the fridge?
38. My bed and I are perfect for each other. But my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.
39. I’m not always hungry. Sometimes, I’m sleepy too.
40. Don’t beat yourself up. A new beginning is only a new chance for failure.
41. If you fight with a woman, she’s either right or you’re wrong.
42. Giving up is for the weak. Be like me, don’t even try.
43. Dear math, grow up and solve your problems by yourself.
44. I don’t need a hairstylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle each morning.
45. I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
46. Dynamite comes in small packages.
47. I’m never wrong, only different levels of right.
48. Never judge a book by its movie.
49. My bed is a magical place. After getting into it, I remember everything I had to do.
50. We can’t all be princesses. Someone has to wave when I roll by.
51. I’m in need of a six-month vacation. Twice a year!
52. You must be able to laugh at yourself. I can’t do it for you.
53. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
54. My jeans say, “Eat a salad,” but my heart says, “Eat a pizza.”
55. You never realize what you have until it’s gone. Toilet paper is a good example.
56. The loud snorers always fall asleep first.
57. The first five days of the week are the toughest.
58. I’m not responsible for what my face does while you talk.
59. Sometimes, I drink water to surprise my liver.
60. I’m not lazy. I’m on energy-saving mode.
61. You may think the grass is greener on the other side, but it’s because there’s more manure there.
62. The secret to a good relationship is not having one.
63. Some people are like clouds. When they leave, my day brightens.
64. I used to be arrogant. Now, I’m perfect.
Funny sayings about work
1. I’m never late to work. Everyone else is just early.
2. No one notices how hard you work until you stop working.
3. It’s hard to do nothing because you never know when you’re done.
4. Just because I wear a tie to work doesn’t mean I make a lot of money.
5. I had used up all my sick leave, so I called into work dead.
6. I don’t always work. But when I do, I make sure my boss is around.
7. I like work. It’s fascinating that I can sit and look at it for hours.
8. The best part about my job is that the chair swivels.
9. You don’t have to be crazy to work in my office. We’ll train you.
10. I hate when I’ve been at work for 8 hours, and it’s only been 45 minutes.
11. We’ll continue having lots of meetings until we find out why no work is getting done.
12. I’m much nicer after 3 PM on Friday.
13. If you’re not getting recognition at work, make a mistake. You’ll get it.
14. They say crime doesn’t pay. Does my current job make me a criminal?
Funny sayings about friends
1. If something says don’t try this at home, go to your friend’s house.
2. Friends pay for your meal. Best friends eat your meal.
3. I love our easy-going friendship. It fits perfectly with my laziness.
4. You’re one of the few people I find tolerable.
5. You’re not someone I pretend not to see in public.
6. If Barbie’s so popular, why do people buy her friends?
Funny sayings about kids
1. My kid is turning out just like me. Well played, karma. Well played.
2. They say kids model the behavior they see. This is false. They have seen me sleep, and they do not sleep.
3. It’s cute that I thought I was tired before having kids.
4. Sorry, kids. But I have to follow the instructions on the aspirin bottle: Keep away from children.
Funny sayings about money
1. My wallet is like an onion. It makes me cry when I open it.
2. I know they say money talks, but mine only says, “Goodbye.”
3. A bank is a place that’ll lend you money if you can prove you don’t need it.
4. If you think no one cares about you, miss a few loan payments.
5. They say love is more important than money. Have you tried paying your bills with a hug?
6. The only place I keep money is in my memories.
7. I’m stuck between “I need to save money” and “You only live once.”
8. You can’t be broke if you don’t check your bank account.
9. Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money.
10. I’m looking forward to the apocalypse. It’s the only way I don’t need to pay my student loans.
11. Anyone who tells you money is the root of all evil doesn’t have any.
12. Money isn’t everything. Don’t forget the gold, the diamonds, and the property.
13. A bag of money can be a symbol not only of wealth but also of a lot of inflation.
14. All my life, I thought air was free. After buying a bag of chips, I know it’s not.
15. A successful man earns more than his wife can spend. A successful woman knows where to look for such a man.
Featured image by David Em/Humor Living.
David Em is the founder of Humor Living. He launched Humor Living to create a destination for you to visit anytime you need a laugh. Whether you’re looking for jokes, puns, memes, or funny stories, Humor Living is the place to be.