75+ Funny Money Quotes to Laugh Your Way to the Bank

Money is a significant part of life. It supplies your needs and provides value and security. Read funny money quotes for a good laugh.

Bag of money, bills, and coins.
Photo by David Em/Humor Living.

Money may not be everything, but it plays a significant role.

Aside from basic needs, money helps you achieve goals and experience new things. It also provides security and gives you options.

In America, paper currency dates back to 1690. Go back thousands of years, and you’ll discover various forms of money.

If you’re ready to laugh, read the following funny money quotes.

Whether saving, investing, or learning about economics, you’ll love them.

The ultimate list of funny money quotes

1. “When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is.” -Oscar Wilde

2. “The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.” -Kin Hubbard

Paper currency.
Photo by David Em/Humor Living.

3. “That money talks, I’ll not deny, I heard it once: It said, ‘Goodbye’.” -Richard Armour

4. “Never confuse the size of your paycheck with the size of your talent.” -Marlon Brando

5. “Money will buy a pretty good dog, but it won’t buy the wag of his tail.” -Josh Billings

6. “Where large sums of money are concerned, it is advisable to trust nobody.” -Agatha Christie

7. “So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of all money?” -Ayn Rand

8. “All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” -Spike Milligan

9. “Money does not make you happy but it quiets the nerves.” -Sean O’Casey

10. “Pennies do not come from heaven. They have to be earned here on earth.” -Margaret Thatcher

11. “I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” -Henny Youngman

12. “Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.” -Christopher Marlowe

Paper currency with a rubber band around it.
Photo by David Em/Humor Living.

13. “There’s just one thing I can’t figure out. My income tax!” -Nat King Cole

14. “When it is a question of money, everybody is of the same religion.” -Voltaire

15. “Too many people spend money they haven’t earned to buy things they don’t want to impress people they don’t like.” -Will Rogers

16. “I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.” -George Best

17. “Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the ‘gotta have it’ scale.” -Zig Ziglar

18. “I like my money right where I can see it… hanging in my closet.” -Sarah Jessica Parker

19. “Money can’t buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you’re being miserable.” -Clare Boothe Luce

20. “The creditor hath a better memory than the debtor.” -James Howell

21. “Money is like manure, of very little use except it be spread.” -Francis Bacon

22. “Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money.” -Unknown

23. “Money can’t buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.” -Milton Berle

24. “Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?” -John Barrymore

25. “People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” -Joan Rivers

26. “Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” -Winston Churchill

27. “I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.” -Fran Lebowitz

28. “Time will take your money, but money won’t buy time.” -James Taylor

29. “Time is money, especially when you are talking to a lawyer or buying a commercial.” -Frank Dane

30. “Money doesn’t make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.” -Arnold Schwarzenegger

31. “Rich people have small TVs and big libraries, and poor people have small libraries and big TVs.” -Zig Ziglar

32. “I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount, and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” -Brooke Shields

33. “The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.” -Bill Murray

34. “Why does a small tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?” -Peg Bracken

35. “If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.” -James Goldsmith

36. “Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.” -Sam Ewing

Scissors and a comb.
Photo by David Em/Humor Living.

37. “Money is like a sixth sense without which you cannot make a complete use of the other five.” -W. Somerset Maugham

38. “Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.” -Will Rogers

39. “If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one.” -George Gobel

40. “If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” -Errol Flynn

41. “There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one.” -Jack Yelton

42. “I’m one step away from being rich. All I need now is money.” -Unknown

43. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” -Earl Wilson

44. “Money is the best deodorant.” -Elizabeth Taylor

45. “Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.” -Ambrose Bierce

46. “Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.” -Woody Allen

47. “Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” -Bill Vaughan

48. “It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” -Billy Crystal

49. “Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” -Jackie Mason

50. “I wish my bank account refilled as fast as my laundry basket.” -Unknown

51. “If you want to know what God thinks about money, just look at the people He gives it to.” -Dorothy Parker

52. “I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline-powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” -Steve Martin

53. “Money is like an arm or a leg. Use it or lose it.” -Henry Ford

54. “A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.” -Yogi Berra

55. “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” -Bob Hope

56. “October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” -Mark Twain

57. “If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.” -J. Paul Getty

58. “I finally know what distinguishes man from the other beasts: financial worries.” -Jules Renard

59. “This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt.” -Earl Wilson

60. “A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.” -Franklin Jones

Discount sign.
Photo by David Em/Humor Living.

61. “Avoiding the dumb things is the most important. Learn more, know limitations, avoid the dumb things.” -Warren Buffett

62. “Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.” -Groucho Marx

63. “Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today.” -Herman Wouk

64. “I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” -Douglas Adams

65. “If you would know the value of money, go and try to borrow some.” -Benjamin Franklin

66. “It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” -Unknown

67. “Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.” -Oscar Wilde

68. “Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice.” -Tim Ferriss

69. “It’s easy to meet expenses – everywhere we go, there they are.” -Unknown

70. “Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” -Martin Sheen

71. “It isn’t necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It’s only necessary to be rich.” -Alan Alda

72. “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” -Oscar Wilde

73. “I thought I wanted a career. Turns out all I wanted is paychecks.” -Unknown

Paycheck coming out of an envelope.
Photo by David Em/Humor Living.

74. “My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.” -Unknown

75. “Investing without research is like playing stud poker and never looking at the cards.” -Peter Lynch

76. “If you buy things you do not need, soon you will have to sell things you need.” -Warren Buffett

77. “Money without brains is always dangerous.” -Napoleon Hill

Related: The Funniest Quotes to Make You Laugh

Featured image by David Em/Humor Living.