Sometimes, inappropriate jokes are the funniest. No matter the setting, you’ll love reading hilarious adult jokes that take things too far.
Some jokes take things too far. So, keep it light because they can be offensive.
They often evoke laughter, which can boost your mood and relieve stress.
Whether you need a laugh or want to make someone laugh, dirty jokes will do the trick.
The following are the best adult jokes that will make you laugh harder than ever. As a warning, they’re R-rated.
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Adult jokes that’ll make you crack up
1. What does being born in September tell you about your parents?
They started the year off with a bang.
2. What do you call a man that cries while he pleasures himself?
A tearjerker.
3. What’s the difference between a job and marriage?
A job still sucks after a decade.
4. What goes in hard and dry, then comes out wet and soft?
Chewing gum.
5. What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?
A trip without kids.
6. When should you use a condom?
Any conceivable occasion.
7. What’s long, hard, and full of seamen?
A submarine.
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8. Why is diarrhea hereditary?
It runs in your genes.
9. What did one butt cheek say to the other?
Together, we can stop this crap.
10. How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.
11. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call her and tell her about it.
12. What does a nearsighted gynecologist have in common with dogs and cats?
A wet nose.
13. I asked my iPhone, “Siri, why am I still single?”
It activated the front camera.
14. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
15. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
16. How is life like a penis?
Your girlfriend makes it hard.
17. What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?
A private tutor.
18. How is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.
19. Do you know what a 6.9 is?
Another good thing screwed up by a period.
20. How’s a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
You realize it’s half-empty after opening it.
21. What do you call two lesbians in a closet?
A liquor cabinet.
22. What’s the difference between being hungry and being horny?
Where you put the cucumber.
23. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
They worked it out with a pencil.
24. Why doesn’t Santa Claus have any children?
He only comes once a year, and it’s down your chimney.
25. What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip-off.
26. What are the three shortest words in the English language?
Is it in?
27. What does going down on an old woman and a pork pie have in common?
You must bite the crust and lick out the jelly before getting to the meaty part.
28. What do you get when you cross a penis with a potato?
A dick-tater.
29. What did the egg say to the boiling water?
Sorry, it’s going to take a second for me to get hard. I just got laid by some chick.
30. What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
31. What do boobs and toys have in common?
They were both made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.
32. What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?
A cherry float.
33. What do you call a guy with a small penis?
Just-in.
34. Why do women have orgasms?
It’s just another reason to moan.
35. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.
36. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
His wife died.
37. Why do vegetarians give good head?
They’re used to eating nuts.
38. What do a woman and a bar have in common?
Liquor in the front and poker in the back.
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39. What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?
Extremely hot.
40. What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping Tom?
One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
41. What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?
Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.
42. How’s a girlfriend or boyfriend like a laxative?
Both irritate the crap out of you.
43. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.
44. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give them a used tampon and ask which period it came from.
45. What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
Condoms have evolved. They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
46. What’s the difference between your penis and a bonus check?
Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.
47. Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?
Ken came in another box.
48. My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude.
Personally, I’m on the fence.
49. What do you get when you jingle Santa’s balls?
A white Christmas.
50. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin’ off.
51. Why does a mermaid wear seashells?
She outgrew her B-shells.
52. What do you call a nurse with dirty knees?
The head nurse.
53. What’s the difference between the flu and your legs?
I don’t want to spread the flu.
54. What’s the difference between you and an egg?
An egg gets laid.
55. What is the difference between a priest and a pimple?
A pimple will wait until you’re a teenager to come on your face.
56. What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
The wheelchair.
57. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry her.
58. What did one saggy boob say to the other?
If we don’t get the proper support, people will think we’re nuts.
59. What do you do when a woman’s choking?
Back up a few inches.
60. I just had sex on an elevator.
It was great on so many levels.
61. If a genealogist looks up the family tree, what does a gynecologist do?
Look up the family bush.
62. What are the two most important holes in a woman?
Her nostrils.
63. Let’s play carpenter.
First, we’ll get hammered. Then, I’ll nail you.
64. Do you mix concrete for a living?
Because you’re making me hard.
65. Are you an archaeologist?
Because I’ve got a bone for you to examine.
66. Why does masturbation lead to sex?
It’s a gateway tug.
67. Why don’t witches wear underwear?
They need a better grip.
68. What is Moby Dick’s dad’s name?
Papa Boner.
69. They say make-up sex is the best.
That’s great because all my sex is made up.
70. What do a Rubik’s Cube and a penis have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
71. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
She gagged.
72. Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo Club.
Thank you all for coming.
73. What kind of food does a lesbian love?
Anything they can eat out.
74. What did the clitoris say to the vulva?
It’s all good in the hood.
75. They say that during sex, you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.
My question is, how does someone run eight miles in thirty seconds?
76. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.
The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
77. What did the penis say to the condom?
Cover me. I’m going in.
78. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will search for the golf ball.
79. What does a sperm bank receptionist say to donors as they leave?
Thanks for coming.
80. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold your nuts because this isn’t an ordinary blowjob.
81. Which sexual position produces the ugliest kids?
I don’t know. Ask your mom.
82. What do you call an expert fisherman?
A master baiter.
83. What do your girlfriend and a pool have in common?
They cost a lot of money for the time you’re inside them.
84. What’s white and sticky and better to spit out than to swallow?
Toothpaste.
85. Did you hear about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter
It’s pretty nuts.
86. What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?
I want you inside me.
87. How do you make a pool table laugh?
Tickle its balls.
88. Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom.
89. Do you need a stud in your life?
Because I have the STD. All I need is U.
90. I lost my virginity.
Can I have yours?
91. Is your name winter?
Because you’ll be coming soon.
92. Do you work at Build-A-Bear Workshop?
I’d stuff you.
93. Do you want to play strip poker?
You can strip, and I’ll poke you.
94. What does tofu and a dildo have in common?
Both are meat substitutes.
95. What do you call a technology teacher who touches their students?
A PDF file.
96. What’s the best thing about gardening?
Getting down and dirty with your hoes.
97. Why are men like diapers?
They’re usually full of crap, but thankfully disposable.
98. What comes after 69?
Mouthwash.
99. What’s still together after all the crap they’ve been through?
Your butt cheeks.
100. How is sex like math?
You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray you don’t multiply.
101. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
102. What’s the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
The bachelor comes home, finds something to eat in the fridge, and goes to bed. A married man comes.
103. How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as a choir boy.
Related: What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
104. I’ll admit it. I have a tremendous sex drive.
My girlfriend lives forty miles away.
105. Why do walruses love a Tupperware party?
They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.
106. How’s being in the military like getting a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
107. Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack.
108. What kind of bees make milk?
Boo-bees.
109. What does a perverted frog say?
Rubbit.
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Featured image by David Em/Humor Living.