100+ Funny Family Quotes to Make You Laugh

Family is the reason you’re here. All families go through good and bad times. Get a good laugh by reading relatable and hilarious family quotes.

Family of five holding hands.
Photo by David Em/Humor Living.

You have your family by blood, and you can have a chosen family.

Regardless of the type of family, there are times of laughter and love, while they may drive you nuts other times.

Research shows that a sense of humor is essential in strong families.

So, read the following family quotes for a good laugh. Also, read them to your family to make everyone chuckle.

Hilarious family quotes you’ll find relatable

1. “If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you’ll be going, ‘you know, we’re alright. We are dang near royalty.'” -Jeff Foxworthy

2. “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” -George Burns

3. “Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.” -Tommy Cooper

4. “Growing up in an Italian family, we used our body to convey a message.” -Sebastian Maniscalco

5. “I love my family, even as I critique their dysfunctionalities.” -Bell Hooks

Funny family quote by Bell Hooks.
Photo by David Em/Humor Living.

6. “As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” -Buddy Hackett

7. “I don’t think anyone has a normal family.” -Edward Furlong

8. “Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.” -Jim Carrey

9. “Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.” -Cary Grant

10. “Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.” -Wayne Huizenga

11. “Happy is said to be the family which can eat onions together. They are, for the time being, separate, from the world, and have a harmony of aspiration.” -Charles Dudley Warner

12. “I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.” -Fred Allen

13. “It’s not that our family has no taste, it’s just that our family’s taste is inconsistent.” -Dave Eggers

14. “As a general thing, when a woman wears the pants in a family, she has a good right to them.” -Josh Billings

15. “I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.” -Erma Bombeck

16. “Soup is a lot like a family. Each ingredient enhances the others; each batch has its own characteristics; and it needs time to simmer to reach full flavor.” -Marge Kennedy

17. “A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.” -Ogden Nash

18. “I am a nice human, but I’ve also got Italian in my family. My mom’s side is Italian and my mom is a very scary human being. I get a lot of that intensity and snap straight into it from her. She’s legit terrifying. Lovely girl. Lovely mother but when she gets angry, she’s absolutely terrifying. She’s a damn monster.” -Rhea Ripley

19. “All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.” -W. C. Fields

20. “Almost every time we get together with family or friends, the conversation ends up being about food.” -Steve Chen

21. “Stay away from family when you are working on a startup.” -Ritesh Agarwal

22. “No family is complete without an embarrassing uncle.” -Peter Morgan

23. “I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.” -Lewis Grizzard

24. “The people of the Balkans are like a dysfunctional family. We may fight and argue, but in the end we are family.” -Vlade Divac

25. “Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.” -Earl Wilson

Funny family quote by Earl Wilson.
Photo by David Em/Humor Living.

26. “Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.” -Chelsea Handler

27. “You know what it’s like having five kids? Imagine you’re drowning. And someone hands you a baby.” -Jim Gaffigan

28. “When children are doing nothing, they are doing mischief.” -Henry Fielding

29. “I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance – waiting for the bathroom.” -Bob Hope

30. “It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.” -Sean Covey

31. “You can kid the world, but not your sister.” -Charlotte Gray

32. “Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.” -P. J. O’Rourke

33. “Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.” -Lemony Snicket

34. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” -Erma Bombeck

35. “The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.” -Sam Levenson

36. “In some families, ‘please’ is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was ‘sorry.'” -Margaret Laurence

37. “It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.” -Betty White

38. “The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.” -George Carlin

39. “Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.” -Liam Gallagher

40. “The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.” -Erma Bombeck

41. “My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.” -Jeff Foxworthy

42. “Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.” -Martin Mull

43. “Family is just an accident. They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.” -Marsha Norman

44. “One day you will do things for me that you hate. That is what it means to be family.” -Jonathan Safran Foer

45. “There’s nothing like a family vacation to make you appreciate a bit of separation.” -Unknown

46. “Having lots of siblings is like having built-in best friends.” -Kim Kardashian

47. “A sibling is a friend for life, but they are a friend for life that you are forced to have. And like anything that you are forced to do, occasionally people will drive you crazy.” -Alex Hirsch

48. “Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.” -Gene Perret

49. “Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.” -Barbara Delinsky

50. “Children are a great comfort to us in our old age, and they help us reach it faster, too.” -John Ruskin

51. “If you don’t believe in ghosts, you’ve never been to a family reunion.” -Ashleigh Brilliant

52. “The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.” -Nancy Mitford

53. “If you want to call a family meeting, just turn off the Wi-Fi router and wait in the room in which it is located.” -Unknown

54. “Important families are like potatoes. The best parts are underground.” -Francis Bacon

55. “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.” -Ellen DeGeneres

56. “I know it’s a cliche, but the whole family is just whacked. I mean, we’re all out of our minds. They’re the funniest, most eccentric bizarre people I’ve ever met, my siblings.” -Dana Carvey

57. “God gives us our relatives, thank God we can choose our friends.” -Ethel Watts Mumford

58. “Home is wherever my bunch of crazies are.” -Unknown

59. “Family is like that annoying itch you can’t scratch.” -Unknown

60. “Nothing like watching your relatives fight, I always say.” -Rick Riordan

61. “There’s nothing that makes you more insane than family. Or more happy. Or more exasperated. Or more…secure.” -Jim Butcher

Funny family quote by Jim Butcher.
Photo by David Em/Humor Living.

62. “Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.” -Ray Romano

63. “A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it.” -Marcelene Cox

64. “Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.” -Phyllis Diller

65. “Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn’t music.” -William Stafford

66. “You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.” -P. J. O’Rourke

67. “When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.” -Emo Philips

68. “What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.” -Esther Friesner

69. “Caller ID was invented for family screening.” -Unknown

70. “In our family, normal is so overrated.” -Unknown

71. “Families are about love overcoming emotional torture.” -Matt Groening

72. “I could never leave my family, they’d find me.” -Unknown

73. “Family jokes, though rightly cursed by strangers, are the bond that keeps most families alive.” -Stella Benson

74. “My family is temperamental. Half temper, half mental.” -Unknown

75. “A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.” -Jerry Seinfeld

76. “If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.” -Pearl Cleage

Funny family quote by Pearl Cleage.
Photo by David Em/Humor Living.

77. “From vanity to insanity, no one knows you better than your family.” -Unknown

78. “Family is a gift that came without a receipt.” -Unknown

79. “It’s that special time of year when your whole family gathers together in one place to look at their cellphones.” -Jimmy Kimmel

80. “Families are like fudge – mostly sweet, with a few nuts.” -Unknown

81. “I find it difficult to imagine an afterlife, such as Christians, or at any rate many religious people, conceive it, believing that the conversations with relatives and friends interrupted here on earth will be continued in the hereafter.” -Edvard Munch

82. “Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?” -Rick Riordan

83. “The first half of our lives are ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.” -Clarence Darrow

84. “Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” -Harry Morgan

85. “If you’re not yelling at your kids, then you’re not spending enough time with them!” -Mark Ruffalo

86. “I’m the oldest of four, I have three siblings, and I think I kind of grew up aggravating and picking at them.” -Buster Posey

87. “Some call it chaos we call it family.” -Unknown

88. “The reason I love kids so much is because they’re so honest, so you know right away if they like you or they don’t.” -Colin Egglesfield

89. “Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.” -Pam Brown

90. “Family: a social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.” -Evan Esar

91. “There is no cure for laziness but a large family helps.” -Herbert V. Prochnow

92. “Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.” -Gracie Allen

93. “I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.” -Anthony Anderson

94. “The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old.” -Jean Kerr

Funny family quote by Jean Kerr.
Photo by David Em/Humor Living.

95. “As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.” -Prince William

96. “What strange creatures brothers are!” -Jane Austen

97. “Having one kid makes you a parent. Having two kids makes you a referee.” -David Frost

98. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” -Phyllis Diller

99. “I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.” -Bernard Manning

100. “If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.” -George Bernard Shaw

101. “My favorite room in the house is the living room. We have two big couches, six recliners and over 20 pillows. It’s a really comfortable place to hang out with my family.” -Cody Linley

102. “I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” -Rodney Dangerfield

Related: Funny New York Jokes to Make You Laugh

Featured image by David Em/Humor Living.