70+ Funny Quotes About Aging and Getting Older

Getting older is a fact of life. It doesn’t need to ruin your outlook. Take a humorous approach with funny quotes about aging.

Old couple raising their arms.
Photo by David Em/Humor Living.

Getting older doesn’t have to be a sad thing.

Exercise and humor are excellent ways to feel young at heart.

The following funny quotes about aging will bring about laughter.

They’re perfect for your birthday or anyone else’s.

Related: Funny 60th Birthday Quotes

Funny quotes about aging

1. “I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.” -Andy Rooney

2. “I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.” -Phyllis Diller

3. “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” -Bob Hope

Funny aging quote by Bob Hope.
Photo by David Em/Humor Living.

4. “He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.” -George Burns

5. “We don’t grow older, we grow riper.” -Pablo Picasso

6. “Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.” -Jennifer Yane

7. “Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!” -Kate Summers

8. “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.” -George Carlin

9. “Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” -Phyllis Diller

10. “We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.” -Will Rogers

11. “There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus.” -Bob Phillips

12. “After 30, a body has a mind of its own.” -Bette Midler

13. “The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.” -T.S. Elliot

14. “There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it.” -Patrick Moore

15. “At my age, flowers scare me.” -George Burns

16. “It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” -Andy Rooney

17. “The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you’ll grow out of it.” -Doris Day

18. “Old age comes at a bad time.” -San Banducci

19. “Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up.” -John Wagner

20. “An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.” -Agatha Christie

21. “You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.” -Woody Allen

22. “Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it.” -Golda Meir

Funny aging quote by Golda Meir.
Photo by David Em/Humor Living.

23. “The older I get, the better I used to be.” -Lee Trevino

24. “There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.” -P.G. Wodehouse

25. “I guess I don’t so much mind being old, as I mind being fat and old.” -Benjamin Franklin

26. “The aging process is not gradual or gentle. It rushes up, pushes you over, and runs off laughing. No one should grow old who isn’t ready to appear ridiculous.” -John Mortimer

27. “Old age comes on suddenly, and not gradually as is thought.” -Emily Dickinson

28. “I am not afraid of aging, but more afraid of people’s reactions to my aging.” -Barbara Hershey

29. “I don’t want to sound like a Hallmark card, but to be able to wake up each day with food and shelter, that alone is good. Forget aging and the fact that my butt is becoming a little more familiar with my knees than my tailbone. If you are six feet above ground it’s a good day. So, give me more!” -Faith Hill

30. “Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.” -Benjamin Franklin

31. “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.” -Woody Allen

32. “Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” -Kitty O’Neill Collins

33. “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” -George Burns

34. “I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror.” -Cherie Lunghi

Funny aging quote by Cherie Lunghi.
Photo by David Em/Humor Living.

35. “Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs.” -Charles Dickens

36. “I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.” -Benjamin Franklin

37. “There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure.” -Dennis Wolfberg

38. “Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.” -Oliver Wendell Holmes

39. “I’m 60 years of age. That’s 16 Celsius.” -George Carlin

40. “The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.” -Erma Bombeck

41. “In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order.” -Robert Brault

42. “Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!” -Dave Barry

43. “I was looking in the mirror the other day and I realized I haven’t changed much since I was in my twenties. The only difference is I look a whole lot older now.” -George Carlin

44. “My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.” -Rita Rudner

45. “I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to.” -Albert Einstein

46. “Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself.” -Tom Wilson

47. “Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home.” -Phyllis Diller

48. “The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.” -Jerry M. Wright

Funny aging quote by Jerry Wright.
Photo by David Em/Humor Living.

49. “By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.” -Billy Crystal

50. “There is still no cure for the common birthday.” -John Glenn

51. “As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.” -Robert Quillen

52. “True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.” -Kurt Vonnegut

53. “I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.” -Bob Hope

54. “Try to keep your soul young and quivering right up to old age.” -George Sand

55. “When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of algebra.” -Will Rogers

56. “First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.” -Leo Rosenberg

57. “We are always the same age inside.” -Gertrude Stein

58. “I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.” -Rodney Dangerfield

59. “My face carries all my memories. Why would I erase them?” -Diane von Furstenberg

60. “Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” -Maggie Kuhn

61. “Looking 50 is great if you’re 60.” -Joan Rivers

62. “Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.” -George Burns

63. “I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.” -Rita Rudner

Funny aging quote by Rita Rudner.
Photo by David Em/Humor Living.

64. “A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'” -Claude Pepper

65. “Nature gives you the face you have at twenty; it is up to you to merit the face you have at fifty.” -Coco Chanel

67. “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” -Mark Twain

68. “Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” -Larry Lorenzi

69. “You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.” -Ogden Nash

70. “Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young.” -Theodore Roosevelt

71. “Old age isn’t so bad if you consider the alternative.” -Maurice Chevalier

72. “Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been.” -Mark Twain

73. “Old age is no place for sissies.” -Bette Davis

Related: Hilarious Zoom Memes

Featured image by David Em/Humor Living.

David Em.

David Em

David Em is the founder of Humor Living. He launched Humor Living to create a destination for you to visit anytime you need a laugh. Whether you’re looking for jokes, puns, memes, or funny stories, Humor Living is the place to be.