65+ Funny Dog Quotes to Make You Bark With Laughter

Dogs are wonderful. They’re excellent companions, entertaining, and loving. Read funny dog quotes that are so relatable and hilarious.

Dog with its paw up.
Photo by David Em/Humor Living.

Dogs are the most popular pet in the world.

They’re loyal and bright companions that enhance your life. They also provide comfort and support.

If you’re ready to laugh, read the following funny dog quotes.

Then, share the quotes with fellow dog lovers to spread joy.

The ultimate list of funny dog quotes

1. “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” -Andy Rooney

2. “The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.” -Charles de Gaulle

3. “Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.” -Franklin P. Jones

Photo by David Em/Humor Living.

4. “A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.” -Ogden Nash

5. “Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail.” -Kinky Friedman

6. “If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.” -Will Rogers

7. “Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” -Groucho Marx

8. “You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.” -Harry S. Truman

9. “The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment.” -Warren Bennis

10. “It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.” -Rodney Dangerfield

11. “If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience.” -Woodrow Wilson

12. “Everyone thinks they have the best dog, and none of them are wrong.” -W. R. Pursche

13. “Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.” -Roger Caras

14. “People teach their dogs to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.” -Mitch Hedberg

15. “When you adopt a dog, you have a lot of very good days and one very bad day.” -W. Bruce Cameron

16. “I can’t imagine God not allowing my dog into heaven.” -Rick Warren

17. “We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog. Well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet.” -Rita Rudner

18. “Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can’t eat or play with it, just pee on it and walk away.” -Unknown

Young Rottweiler.
Photo by David Em/Humor Living.

19. “I named my dog “5 Miles,” so I can tell people I walk 5 Miles every day.” -Unknown

20. “Be the person your dog thinks you are.” -C. J. Frick

21. “There’s a saying. If you want someone to love you forever, buy a dog, feed it and keep it around.” -Dick Dale

22. “What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job!” -George Carlin

23. “Dogs are our link to paradise.” -Milan Kundera

24. “The more boys I meet, the more I love my dog.” -Carrie Underwood

25. “Dog is God spelled backward.” -Duane Chapman

26. “If you don’t own a dog, at least one, there is not necessarily anything wrong with you, but there may be something wrong with your life.” -Roger Caras

27. “I really love the sound of my dog snoring.” -Chris Evans

28. “Every dog has his day, unless he loses his tail, then he has a weak-end.” -June Carter Cash

29. “Why does watching a dog be a dog fill one with happiness?” -Jonathan Safran Foer

30. “Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul, chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth!” -Anne Tyler

31. “My fashion philosophy is, if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.” -Elayne Boosler

32. “No matter how you’re feeling, a little dog gonna love you.” -Waka Flocka Flame

33. “Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.” -Moby

34. “I don’t care who dies in the movie as long as the dog lives.” -Unknown

35. “If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.” -Fran Lebowitz

36. “I don’t think twice about picking up my dog’s poop, but if another dog’s poop is next to it, I think, ‘Eww, dog poop!'” -Jonah Goldberg

37. “A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.” -Robert Benchley

38. “I’m a lot less cranky when it’s just me and my dog.” -Bob Peterson

39. “You know, a dog can snap you out of any kind of bad mood that you’re in faster than you can think of.” -Jill Abramson

40. “Acquiring a dog may be the only opportunity a human ever has to choose a relative.” -Mordecai Wyatt Johnson

41. “A dog is the greatest gift a parent can give a child. OK, a good education, then a dog.” -John Grogan

42. “If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they’re gonna think the dogs are the leaders. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume was in charge?” -Jerry Seinfeld

43. “A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.” -Helen Thomson

44. “What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.” -Rodney Dangerfield

45. “Dogs are like potato chips. You can’t have just one.” -Unknown

46. “I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.” -John Steinbeck

47. “Happiness is a warm puppy.” -Charles M. Schulz

48. “Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.” -Sue Murphy

49. “Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.” -John Peer

50. “Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.” -Corey Ford

51. “If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.” -Phil Pastoret

Schnauzer dog.
Photo by David Em/Humor Living.

52. “The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.” -Ambrose Bierce

53. “Even the tiniest Poodle or Chihuahua is still a wolf at heart.” -Dorothy Hinshaw

54. “Nobody can fully understand the meaning of love unless he’s owned a dog.” -Gene Hill

55. “There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.” -Bernard Williams

56. “If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.” -Charles Yu

57. “My dog is half pitbull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip.” -Craig Shoemaker

58. “It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.” -John Grogan

59. “As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.” -Jean Ferris

60. “Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window.” -Steve Bluestone

61. “Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.” -Franklin P. Jones

62. “If you’re uncomfortable around my dog, I’m happy to lock you in the other room when you come over.” -Unknown

Golden Retriever.
Photo by David Em/Humor Living.

63. “When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.” -Kristan Higgins

64. “Life isn’t perfect, but my dog is.” -Unknown

65. “No home decor is complete without dog hair.” -Unknown

66. “When I die, my dog gets everything.” -Unknown

67. “I once decided not to date a guy because he wasn’t excited to meet my dog. I mean, this was like not wanting to meet my mother.” -Bonnie Schacter

68. “You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!'” -Dave Barry

Related: Hilarious Deer Puns

Featured image by David Em/Humor Living.