80+ Funny Marriage Quotes That Are Hilarious and Relatable

Marriage can be a wonderful thing. It’s a commitment that can also lead to many hilarious moments. Read funny marriage quotes for a good laugh.

A bride and groom.
Photo by David Em/Humor Living.

Marriage is a significant commitment with good and bad times. Sharing your life with someone takes work, love, and respect.

A happy marriage benefits your mental and physical well-being. So, it’s worth the effort.

If you’re ready to laugh, read the following funny marriage quotes.

While the purpose is humor, many are also relatable and spot-on.

The ultimate list of funny marriage quotes

1. “To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you’re wrong, admit it; Whenever you’re right, shut up.” -Ogden Nash

2. “The first time you marry for love, the second for money, and the third for companionship.” -Jackie Kennedy

3. “Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.” -Abraham Lincoln

4. “One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.” -Oscar Wilde

5. “There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.” -Clint Eastwood

6. “A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” -Michel de Montaigne

Two wedding rings.
Photo by David Em/Humor Living.

7. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” -Rita Rudner

8. “I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.” -Lyndon B. Johnson

9. “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” -Groucho Marx

10. “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” -Socrates

11. “Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.” -H. L. Mencken

12. “My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.” -Winston Churchill

13. “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” -Henny Youngman

14. “Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.” -Billy Connolly

15. “Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.” -Gilbert K. Chesterton

16. “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” -Benjamin Franklin

17. “Marriage is good for those who are afraid to sleep alone at night.” -St. Jerome

18. “Marriage should be a duet – when one sings, the other claps.” -Joe Murray

19. “Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.” -Eddie Cantor

20. “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” -Prince Philip

21. “All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” -Raymond Hull

Bride and groom holding hands.
Photo by David Em/Humor Living.

22. “Marriage: A word which should be pronounced ‘mirage’.” -Herbert Spencer

23. “Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you.” -Jean Rostand

24. “Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.” -Mickey Rooney

25. “Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.” -Joyce Brothers

26. “All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” -Red Skelton

27. “In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” -Rita Rudner

28. “It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.” -Rodney Dangerfield

29. “Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.” -Alan King

30. “Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.” -Samuel Johnson

31. “Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” -Jean Kerr

32. “I like getting married, but I don’t like being married.” -Don Adams

33. “Marriage is a feast where the grace is sometimes better than the dinner.” -Charles Caleb Colton

34. “The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin.” -Honore de Balzac

35. “Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.” -Ambrose Bierce

36. “If love means never having to say you’re sorry, then marriage means always having to say everything twice.” -Estelle Getty

Two wedding bands.
Photo by David Em/Humor Living.

37. “A bride at her second marriage does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting.” -Helen Rowland

38. “The two most important words in marriage for me are ‘yes, dear.'” -Eric Close

39. “Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.” -Joey Adams

40. “Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” -Rita Rudner

41. “A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.” -Jin Samuels

42. “I do think the secret to a good marriage is separate bathrooms.” -Heather Dubrow

43. “Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning hand springs or eating with chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.” -Helen Rowland

44. “Marriage is a series of desperate arguments people feel passionately about.” -Katharine Hepburn

45. “Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings… and lawyers.” -Richard Pryor

46. “Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.” -John Wilmot

47. “An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” -Agatha Christie

48. “I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.” -Cameron Esposito

49. “Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.” -Mae West

50. “Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.” -George Bernard Shaw

51. “One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?'” -Michelle Obama

52. “The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” -Rick Reilly

Hand holding a remote.
Photo by David Em/Humor Living.

53. “A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month.” -Dax Shepard

54. “Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?” -Janet Periat

55. “Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.” -Ogden Nash

56. “Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.” -Rory Elder

57. “When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.” -Helen Rowland

58. “Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” -H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

59. “Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.” -Stephanie Ortiz

60. “Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” -Will Ferrell

61. “We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” -Henny Youngman

62. “A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late.” -Frank Sinatra

63. “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” -Anne Bancroft

Two wedding bands.
Photo by David Em/Humor Living.

64. “Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.” -Jerry Seinfeld

65. “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” -Erma Bombeck

66. “We have a couple of rules in our relationship. The first rule is that I make her feel like she’s getting everything. The second rule is that I actually do let her have her way in everything. And, so far, it’s working.” -Justin Timberlake

67. “In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf.” -Ruth Bader Ginsberg

68. “After about 15 years I finally figured out that she’s always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that.” -Barack Obama

69. “My wife didn’t take my name, which isn’t weird, but what’s weird is when people think it’s weird, like we’re on a first-name basis anyway.” -Mark Agee

70. “Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time.” -Chris Rock

71. “I’m so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids.” -Molly McNearney

72. “The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.” -Oscar Wilde

73. “I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” -Wendy Liebman

74. “In my house, I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision-maker.” -Woody Allen

75. “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.” -Albert Einstein

76. “Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?” -Dennis Miller

77. “I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?” -Jean Illsley Clarke

78. “When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.” -Richard Lewis

79. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” -Groucho Marx

Photo by David Em/Humor Living.

80. “We got married: society’s solution to loneliness, lust and laundry.” -George Cockcroft

81. “Marriage is a blast. Like a bomb.” -Julieanne O’Connor

Related: Funny Spiritual Quotes

Featured image by David Em/Humor Living.